Director: M. Night Shyamalan. Starring; Gael Garcia Bernal, Vicky Krieps, Rufus Sewell. Rated PG-13. Color. 108 Minutes.
Not trying to be facetious, but frankly I do not care in this situation. M. Night Shyamalan’s latest movie is the biggest pile of dog shit this side of a Michael Bay picture. Trying to lay out “Old” from a critical perspective would be a complete waste of time. Kind of like watching a Shyamalan movie. To say that this is the director’s fourth worst movie in his cannon is like admitting the talk show hosted by ‘Maury’ is better than ‘Jerry Springer’ on a Tuesday afternoon.
The minute plot concepts would be easy to extract. Only problem, THERE ARE NO MINUTE PLOT CONCEPTS to break down! “Old” rips off enough classic pictures that it would take a novel to describe. Logic is so far off the tracks that it becomes clear early on that attempts to be even a solid picture are thrown out of the window. Story arcs make zero sense. Characters make the most ridiculous decisions. I don’t want to say torture, but it is pretty close. Just wait for the twist because it is M. Night amazingly bad.
I have no desire to be stranded on a beach with zero hope in sight. That said, if I have to choose between that fate or having to watch “Old” one more time, I’m pretty sure the choice is clear.
Suck Factor: 7 out of 7 (7 Means Your Movie Really SUCKS!)
The SUCK FACTOR! How it works. We have flipped the script on the standard ratings system. If you make a masterpiece say “The Godfather”, your film receives 0 SUCKS! If you make complete trash, such as any Michael Bay movie, you receive 7 SUCKS!
Greg Squared Films 