Look, I love me some holiday’s, particularly the ones that get you out of having to go to work. Since the Egyptians were building up the grand pyramids taking a break has been a part of keeping societies sanity intact. But there are some where I literally do not understand what exactly is being celebrated. Then there are those which you know what is being celebrated and you simply think, WHY? This is my Top 10 Movies About Useless Holidays. The reason for a holiday is all good with me, but sometimes the source material is baffling.
10. St. Patrick’s Day; “Boondock Saints” (1999):
I have plenty of Irish blood in my white ass. I also enjoy a good reason to drink and be merry with friends. But what is the point of ‘St. Patrick’s Day’? I get that it is a 1,000 year old tradition to honor the titular patron saint, but what does that have to do with getting hammered and dying the rivers in large cities green? Similar to easter celebrating Jesus with plastic eggs every year, nothing about this holiday has anything to do with the source material. Very similar to the same idiotic thinking that is “Boondock Saints”. This is a film that I always say is a movie that people who don’t know what a good movie is loves. It was made by a literal drunk, St. Patty’s anyone. It also seems real slick at first then you wake up the next morning, sober up, and realize you slept with the wrong person at 3 in the morning. If you need a celebration to get drunk with thousands of people, stick with Coachella.
9. Black Friday; “The Hunger Games” (2012):
How did ‘Black Friday’ become a thing? More importantly, how is it still a thing? Camping out for days to save a few hundred bucks on a television is absolute lunacy. And on top of that, billion dollar corporations are creating a mob mentality of people desperate to get the right product for their loved ones knowing full well they could produce as many copies as they wanted to for the masses. ‘Black Friday’ is pretty much the real life version of “The Hunger Games”. It is kill or be killed when rushing for a shopping cart or deciding to bypass that in order to get the last Nintendo Switch left on the shelf. Even Jeff Bezos and Amazon have been unable to end this ridiculously stupid tradition.
8. Father’s Day; “Daddy’s Home” (2015):
Maybe it’s because I am a momma’s boy, but ‘Father’s Day’ feels incredibly useless to me. It’s like national kid’s day or getting a participation trophy at a sporting event. Great, you showed up and exist. What an achievement! No disrespect to the importance of a good father, but your mother had to carry your ass and shove you into this world. That is an accomplishment far greater than for example the “Daddy’s Home” movies. It’s serviceable and fun, but why are we celebrating it? There is a reason Valentine’s Day is about the woman and why babies nestle on mom’s nipples instead of dad’s. No disrespect to all of the amazing father’s out there, but do you really need a day?
7. Heterosexual Pride Day; “In & Out” (1997):
What total asshole came up with this crappy holiday termed ‘Heterosexual Pride Day’? Straight people sure are oppressed and deserve a day to celebrate their pride of screwing the way ‘God’ intended. It has been too long that these brave individuals have suffered and could easily be converted with therapy, right. Give me a break. Being a homosexual continues to be shunned upon for some ridiculous reason throughout the world that as a straight man I cannot understand, but they still are. That is why, similar to Black History Month, the LGBTQ community deserves a moment to celebrate who they are as human beings. Just look at the film “In & Out”, the story of a small town teacher who is in the closet and is publicly outed by a former student. Living with shame and being brave enough to admit who you are is worth celebration. Attempting to celebrate being born a “prototypical” person is just plain stupid.
6. Earth Day; “Avatar” (2009):
I am all for the environment. Climate change deniers are idiots. Children should be made aware of how we can protect the Earth going forward. Unfortunately, humans continue to finds new ways to destroy our world. While ‘Earth Day’ is a great sentiment with elementary school kids planting a tree, it literally does nothing. Climate change is a decades long journey and ‘Earth Day’ makes people think that it just takes one day a year. Just look at the hypocrisy that is “Avatar”, the second biggest money making movie of all time. The story preaches about the sins of a giant corporation destroying an indigenous other-world atmosphere. It was also made with enough money that could have provided several countries water and food for a year. And on top of that, director James Cameron released the movie to DVD on ‘Earth Day’! Hey kids, save the world by purchasing a movie! That is the hypocrisy of ‘Earth Day’.
5. Confederate Heroes Day; “Gone With the Wind” (1939):
To all of the Americans marching and declaring that U.S.A. is the greatest country in the world, you do realize that Germany is beating us here right? Unless you are one of those d-bags who marched on Charlottesville, we can all agree slavery was a bad thing. It should be remembered in museums and history books, but we don’t need statues or confederate flags waving around that celebrate a dark time in our history. That is how Germany is beating us. Nazi regalia and statues are illegal. But for some reason we just can’t do that. Look at the classic “Gone With the Wind”. Yes it is a good movie, but it romanticizes the southern experience that was able to thrive through the work of SLAVES! So can we please stop celebrating a culture centered around hatred and suppression. ‘Confederate Heroes Day’ is an oxymoron because the confederacy was not based on heroes leading the way.
4. National Pets Day; “Lassie” (2005):
I love my dog Mowgli. I loved my previous dog Kimbo (R.I.P.). But do our pets really need a day? I mean unless you’re a crappy pet owner every morning you feed them and give them a nice belly rub. Basically every day is their day. I get the romantic vision of pets in movies such as “Lassie”, but they don’t need a specified day on the calendar. I mean how many selfies does one take throughout the year with their critter already? Every day is ‘National Pets Day’.
3. President’s Day; “W.” (2008):
Yes presidents are powerful leaders that our country looks up to for guidance. They are also some of the most corrupt individuals in history. Take out Abraham Lincoln and pretty much every one has some messed up thing they did. I mean our first one alone George Washington helped free our nation but also loved him some slaves. We already elected these old white men into office. I’ll take the day off, but when it’s for presidents I find it hard to really celebrate. Take Oliver Stone’s satirical look at one of the dumbest presidents ever in “W.”. I don’t hate the man in hindsight, but he really was unintelligent and privileged. That is one example of what America decided would be the right person moving forward in history.
2. Columbus Day “1492: Conquest of Paradise” (1992):
Hey white people who don’t already know this because you haven’t read a history book, Christopher Columbus didn’t discover America! He screwed up by going in the wrong direction and stumbled upon a country filled with indigenous people that had been here for hundreds of years. And on top of that, he and the other white Europeans took over and absolutely ravaged the people who got here first. But for some reason ‘Columbus Day’ continues to be romanticized in such films as “1492” while also having multiple statues enacted across the country of the man. I suppose I should have a statue of me because I stumbled to bed last night and fell onto my girlfriend and kicked her out because I wasn’t comfortable even though she was there first. We can call it d-bag day!
1. Groundhog Day; “Groundhog Day” (1993):
“Groundhog Day” is one of my favorite movies of all-time. Words cannot describe how much I love Bill Murray and his portrayal of the uptight weatherman Phil Conners is his opus. At the same time, one can certainly see the stupidity of having to cover the holiday Phil has to every year that is centered around a large rodent. How ‘Groundhog Day’ became a thing is unfathomable. Meteorologist’s get stuff wrong all the time. They’re almost as accurate as a groundhog talking to a guy wearing a top hat that wakes the animal up with a cane. And yet this ceremony still took place during our current global pandemic! Yeah, I cannot figure it out either.