It’s fairly easy to name the best Christmas movies. The classics are pretty consistent and rarely is there a new great one that comes along. I’m still an “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “Die Hard” guy (YES “DIE HARD” IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE!) But with 2020 and Covid-19 totally making things SUCK, why not take a look at the bottom of the barrel. This is my Top 10 Worst Christmas Movies.
10. Black Christmas (2006):
I already hate slasher movies, especially those picking off dumbass college girls in “Creative” ways that just don’t make sense. 15 years ago I would still hate this movie but at least the chicks were hot. Now I’m too old for that stuff. “Black Christmas” brings one of the worst genres home for the holidays. A remake of the 1974 cult classic, “Black Christmas” takes place 15 years after a psycho killed his family and was locked up. He escapes and is heading back to his old house. That house is now a sorority. With a blizzard having blocked all the roads, the girls are stuck at the house. Now they’re sitting ducks because they’re idiots. As soon as you get that threatening call, run and grab some kind of a weapon like say a skillet and all of you just stay in the same room. He’s one dude. He can’t kill all of you. Not that complicated. The kills are so stupid, highlighted by a chick being tied up by the legs to a string of Xmas lights towards her doom. How did this guy set all of this stuff up?
9. “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause” (2006):
The first “Santa Claus” movie was good. Tim Allen brought his wholesome “Home Improvement”-esque touch to a heartwarming holiday fare with a funny concept. “Santa Claus 2” was just ok, but it wasn’t terrible. It had its moments. But once again, Hollywood doesn’t know when to quit. “Santa Clause 3: The Escape Claus” belongs locked in a safe and shot to the South Pole because it has no reason being in the North. All of the family joy goes literally cold when Martin Short shows up as Jack Frost. Short is awful in this movie. Jack wants to take Santa’s job because he’s a whiney twat jealous of all the amenities Ol’ St. Nick has, so somehow they go back in time and Frost is the one who becomes Santa. Is that trick possible to use to go back in time and not make this movie?
8. “Elf” (2003):
How is this movie even remotely popular let alone often considered a holiday classic? This fact has never made sense to me. I do like Will Ferrell, but sometimes he can be incredibly annoying when he thinks the only thing to do is scream loudly and look confused. “Elf” is not a movie in Ferrell’s wheelhouse of performances he can pull off. Also, the idea itself is absolutely ridiculous. A tall dude is raised as an elf and somehow he is so dumb that as an adult he doesn’t understand that maybe he is human. I mean I know he was raised that way but was he also taught the skill of stupidity? After learning the truth he heads to New York City to find his father Walter (James Caan). This is an absolute phoning it in performance by Caan. As the dumbass elf finds himself in the big apple, Ferrell amps up his yelling and confused looks to eleven. Will, please go back to playing “Ron Burgandy” because you being in a holiday movie was a bad idea.
7. “Four Christmases” (2008):
Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon have both made some of the worst family comedies ever. “Four Christmases” Is definitely near the top in the rankings. The two play just awful rich people who always make excuses to not have to see their families on Christmas so they can go on an expensive tropical vacation. When all flights are cancelled they get caught on the news and their parents see it. So now it’s time to celebrate Christmas traditionally. The only problem is all four parents are divorced, hence the name “Four Christmas”. The stupid humor at each house is excruciating, particularly Jon Favreau’s meat head brother of Vince Vaughn. Favreau, stop acting! You’re not good at it. The ending morale attempt is cheesy, and that is even if you can make it that far.
6. “Home Alone 3” (1997):
“Home Alone 3” is a classic example of a movie that has no purpose of existing. The first “Home Alone’s” were great fun. But when Macaulay Culkin went nuts how do you try to continue the franchise. It is the same movie with a kid played by Alex D. Linz who has literally no charisma. Man families in Chicago really are bad at keeping track of their kids. The only difference is that Alex is trying to fend off four of the dumbest spies in the world who accidentally hid a valuable microchip in Alex’s new toy car. There’s the other element. The bad guys are so awful that it makes one beg for Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern back because they were actually funny. Just put on “Home Alone 2” and stop. At least in that one you can see a cameo from our soon to be ex-president!
5. “Surviving Christmas” (2004):
The first of two appearances on this list for star Ben Affleck, “Surviving Christmas” is a very mean spirited movie disguised as a plucky family comedy. Affleck plays a rich millionaire who has long turned his back on Christmas. After his girlfriend dumps him his therapist encourages him to relive a childhood Christmas. His family is long gone so he heads to his childhood home and, wait for it, rents out the family living in the home to celebrate the holidays. Yes, he actually rents people and the family agrees. The father played by James Gandolfini clashes with the snotty rich kid. Gandolfini was in the middle of making “The Sopranos”. Why did he decide to make this crap between seasons? The jokes are terrible and this may well be Affleck’s worst performance ever.
4. “Jingle All the Way” (1996):
Look, a part of me enjoys this film just a little bit, but that is only because of how terrible it is. Arnold was able to diversify his career by branching off from action movies and do some solid comedies in the early 90’s. Both “Twins” and “Kindergarten Cop” are solid fun. “Jingle All the Way” is just a mess. The premise is fine. A father forgets to get his son’s favorite toy Turbo Man and is on a mission to find it. He is also competing with Sinbad who is playing a postal worker that made the same mistake. Then everything unravels as some of the dumbest unfunny attempts at slapstick humor take place. Just look at this dumb as rocks fight with a warehouse full of Santa’s including a ninja and a midget. Make sure to change the channel before the parade finale with Arnie flying around in a rocket suit.
3. “Jack Frost” (1998):
I always try to give kids movies a bit of a break, particularly those for grade schoolers. “Jack Frost” is a movie so terrible the only kids I would recommend it to would be if someone was bullying my kid and I wanted that punk to suffer. I have no clue what Michael Keaton was thinking with this one. Playing Jack, a musician constantly on the road, he is struggling to support his son who misses him a lot. When Jack dies in an accident the magic of his son’s love brings him back as a snowman. From there the hijinks become so stupid that “Jack Frost” feels like a kids movie that isn’t even good enough to be on the NICK Jr. channel at midnight. The effects are terrible and there is no moment of chemistry between the kid and his pops. Spring could not come faster so that this white disaster can just melt away.
2. “Krampus” (2015):
Why you gotta bring gothic horror nonsense to this holiday? I know some people like this stuff, in my experience mostly weirdos. But a monster movie with a devil version of Santa with hooves that is going to haunt a family because a whiney little twerp had a bad Christmas and tore up a letter to Santa is the catalyst? That’s all it took to summon this evil beast and his crew of ugly ass cronies. Yes, I know this is based on an ancient legend you nerds. Sorry, it’s a stupid legend. Also, what the hell are Toni Collette and Adam Scott doing in this movie? Were they hard up for a paycheck? The only people who like this movie probably hate the holiday.
1. “Reindeer Games” (2000):
Welp, the battle between who could be an action star between Ben and Matt got solved years before Matt Damon became “Jason Bourne”. Ben Affleck plays Rudy, a prisoner set to be released. His cellmate has been having a correspondence with a beautiful woman named Ashley (Charlize Theron). Just before being released, Rudy is saved by his cellmate during a prison riot. Once released, Rudy sees Ashley waiting for the love she has never met and takes over the persona as Nick. Ok, first off, he instantly takes over for the guy that died for him and steals his girl. Second, there were plenty of pictures of Ashley in the cell but this chick has no idea what he looks like? Girl is there to pick him up but she never maybe even went for a visit? From there the movie gets increasingly ridiculous as Nick gets caught up with Ashley’s gun runner brother Gabriel (Gary Sinese). A plan that involves a casino heist and a Santa outfit begins. The action is terrible and chaotic and trust me, the plot gets dumber scene by scene. Not even Rudolph could have saved this abomination.
Greg Squared Films 