People are dealing with this global pandemic in a variety of ways. You’ve got those that are afraid to go outside and you have those a-holes that refuse to wear a mask because it is their constitutional right. Idiots. Myself, I’m in the middle and say just open up and let people die. But I live in a SOCIETY so I wear my damn mask. I wish these characters from Television and Film were real as each would have their own strategy to defend against this unseeable disease. This is my Top 10 Fictional Characters Ready For Covid-19.
10. Hermione Granger from “Harry Potter” (Emma Watson):
Yes “Harry Potter” was the chosen one and defeated Voldemort. Covid ain’t an obvious villain like say a Donald Trump to give a real life comparison. The “Muggle” named Hermione Granger made up for being shamed as only a half-wizard by being smarter than every other kid at school. This young lady excelled in class, part of what made jealous privileged students despise her. If Covid hit Hogwarts, just give this young lady some, I don’t know, worm root combined with the blood of a giant and a flailing of her wand and it will have the disease gone faster than you can say “EXPECTO-PATRONUM!”
9. Daniel Plainview from “There Will Be Blood” (Daniel Day-Louis):
This is a guy that will crush all of his enemies no matter the cost. Daniel Plainview embodies the mentality that is “There Will Be Blood”. If sickness arrived at one of his oil rigs or perhaps his bowling alley the man would stomp it out with no hesitation. If his deaf son H.W. gets it, see ya later my boy. If a worker gets sick, suck it up because all Daniel cares about is that oil. Just as he did to the conniving priest, Plainview will “DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!” So unless you want to be crushed by a bowling pin, you better play ball you S.O.B. Covid!
8. Phoebe Buffay from “Friends” (Lisa Kudrow):
Obviously the quirkiest member of the “Friends” crew, Phoebe Buffay is by far the one you do not want to mess with. Her fun loving hippie-ish attitude on the surface seems charming. But do not get this bitch pissed off. Her upbringing that included her mom killing herself and living on the street created a sparkling beauty that will absolutely take you down if she needs to. Does not matter how big or small, pun intended, you are. She isn’t even afraid of a “SMELLY CAT” that is probably diseased. Covid, if you go after Mrs. Buffay, particularly when she is pregnant with her brother’s unborn children, she is going to “KICK SOME ASS!”
7. Scrooge McDuck from “Ducktales” (Alan Young):
I am not going to name names, but Covid ain’t going to kill rich people. It’s possible, but it’s just like how Magic Johnson still just has HIV and not AIDS. If we were all rich Covid would be doomed. Money is a powerful card to play against Father Time. Who has been more wealthy than a bird with no pants that gets to swim in a giant pile of gold every morning? If his trio of nephews got the virus Scrooge McDuck would literally spit the gold coins out of his mouth from his swim right at them and everything would be solved. Sometimes money does buy you happiness.
6. Ethan Hunt from “Mission:Impossible” (Tom Cruise):
What is the best way to avoid contracting a deadly disease? Well, I’m guessing Tom Cruise would claim it is running full speed whilst sporting Kung-Fu hands. Not a bad strategy as I doubt Covid can run that fast. If not, you could always hang off the side of a building sporting magnetic gloves once somebody coughs in your hotel room. Ethan Hunt has plenty of experience stopping a madman from releasing a deadly virus as well. Kinda of the top bullet point on the man’s resume. Put him in front of Corona and I guarantee he’ll rock out on the side of an airplane with no hesitation.
5. Arya Stark from “Game of Thrones” (Maisie Williams):
I gotta tell ya, I’ve learned over the years to never underestimate a small person. Similar to a slow fat person you gloss over before a fight, never think the dudes with huge muscles are what you should fear. When push comes to shove, it seems like the surprising opponents always claw their way out. It’s like a wolverine being put into a corner. Good luck winning that fight. Everyone expected that the combined forces of Jon Snow, Daenerys Targaryen, and two dragons could stop The Night King and his army on “Game of Thrones”. Turns out the quick little feisty girl is the one to save the day and take down the bad guy that is not a fan of speaking. If Arya was around and the presumed fact was she will die from Covid Lady Stark would say “NOT TODAY”.
4. Chuck Noland from “Cast Away” (Tom Hanks):
I mean, I think this one is obvious, but I am not a medical professional. If you end up in a plane crash that sends you to a deserted island it would probably be safe to say Covid is not going to get to you. Kind of the ultimate form of socially distancing. Of course Tom Hanks in “Cast Away” has plenty of other things to stress over. But, unless “WILSONNNNN!!!!” somehow contracted the disease before takeoff I’m pretty sure you’re good my friend. 2020 is the first year in my lifetime in which being stranded on a desert island doesn’t really look that terrible if you think about it. A lot of people are kind of doing that already, just indoors.
3. Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” (Aaron Paul):
This one is easy. Who are the best people capable of creating a vaccine? No, not highly paid pharmaceutical companies concerned with overcharging Americans for healthcare. Street level drug dealers. You’re talking about highly motivated people who’s business model depends on you staying alive as long as possible. Big drug companies do not care about your health even if they claim to be. They do not. You get a Meth dealer like Jesse Pinkman from “Breaking Bad” who is desperate for money on the case I guarantee a legitimate vaccine would have been found within two weeks in a van hanging out with Walter White. I would trust a a vaccine from a dude on the corner way more than a big drug corporation. And as soon as the first person is cured you would hear a great “YEAH BITCH!” to follow it up.
2. Frodo from “The Lord of the Rings” (Elijah Wood):
Casual fans look at “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy and think of the more proverbial “Sexy” type characters as the best hero’s. From Gandalf to Aragon to Legolas, the original crew set to save Middle Earth was multitalented. Yet all of their powers and skills could not defeat the greatest of evils in the world. It took a tiny hobbit named Frodo to instill the burden of saving the world around his neck to keep everyone safe. And in the end he can’t quite do it. However, if the health of the world has to be in the hands of one person why not gift the burden over to a little dude known as Mr. Frodo. At least with him we’d have a shot.
1. Austin Powers from “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” (Mike Myers):
This is how I want Covid to end. I don’t want a James Bond or Ethan Hunt or even say a Barack Obama to figure the disease out. I want an idiot with supreme confidence to stumble upon the cure. No, I don’t mean our former president Donald Trump. It has got to be a person that you can actually love like a stumbling cabbage patch kid. “Austin Powers” would be the perfect fit. We could put the disease in him and he can spread it to women in the hot tub whilst giving it to men due to his lack of personal space respect. I mean what better way to solve the most ridiculous disease in history than a dude whose immune system would have Covid so confused that it would exploded out of confusion and anyone who got it would be fine. Austin Powers is the definition of “asymptomatic”. It would be nice to make 2020 very “GROOVY BABY!”