I have already done my Top 10 Best Scenes in Movies. Yet sometimes the truly awful stick with you just like the good stuff. A terrible moment in the cinema can have you holding back a scream of disgust as you do not want to be rude to the other people in the theatre. Meanwhile inside you hear the constant voice yelling “THIS SUCKS! THIS SU CKS! THIS SUCKS! THIS SUCKS!” circling around. No matter the amount of repeated viewings, if you choose to do so, the filmmaking continues to be garbage. These are my Top 10 Worst Scenes In Movie History.
10. A Ridiculous Explosion to Open a Football Game (“The Dark Knight Rises”):
Talk about a let down finale to an otherwise excellent franchise from director Christopher Nolan. Other than an awesome opening plane heist and Bane (Tom Hardy) breaking Batman’s back in a badass brawl, “The Dark Knight Rises” is absolute crap. So much wasted money and on-screen talent to make a script that just wasn’t good on any level. I almost went with the Bruce Wayne climbing out of a hole prison scene. I mean, dude recovers from a broken back by hanging in a rope then the only way to make the climb out is to attempt it rope-less. Sure, that’s how broken backs and escaping prisons work. But I had to go with the Bane blowing up the Gotham football stadium scene, and for several reasons. First off, who was working security for this many armed soldiers to sneak into the tunnel the actual players come out of? Second, what police force sends 90 percent of its officers into the sewer without any plan beyond the thought of “LET’S GO GET EM'”? And the icing on the cake, Bane blows up the field with former Steelers wide receiver Heinz Ward returning the opening kick. He scores a touchdown, but he didn’t notice the field collapsing around him? Either he is hearing impaired or he’ll do anything for the love of the game. To be fair, the Gotham team did win that game 6-0 in a record 30 seconds.
9. Jim Carrey Coming Out of a Fake Rhino’s Vagina (“Ace Ventura; When Nature Calls”):
Jim Carrey truly thrived in the mid 90’s after his stint on the late night sketch comedy show “In Living Color”. One of his early hits was “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective”. It was ridiculous physical humor that the world fell in love with. Then they had to make a sequel. “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls” is bad on so many levels. The jokes aren’t funny, the gimmicky hero is played out, and it’s pretty racist when you look back on it. Perhaps the worst moment is Carrey coming out of a fake Rhino’s vagina. Why is this happening? Well the creature was Ace Ventura’s surveillance hotspot as he is investigating poachers in Africa. But I must repeat, why is this happening!!! They can’t all be winners when you are doing comedy. “When Nature Calls” is one of the biggest losers ever.
8. Show Me Your Shield Arm (“300”):
So many scenes one could pick from Zack Snyder’s all-time awful “300”. But the one that had me and my friends cracking up the most was with this deformed dwarf Ephialtes trying to join the ranks and fight with his fellow Spartans against the invading Greek’s. Trying to prove his worth, the monstrous creature approaches the Spartan king played by Gerard Butler to show how he can fight alongside the rest of the otherwise chiseled-abs, greased up, speedo wearing heroes in the fight to protect the kingdom. The moment when Butler asks “Show me your shield arm” and the freak yells “MEAHHHHHH!!!!!” with all his might is one of the funniest bad moments ever. This isn’t just bad, it’s also offensive as hell. Did the filmmakers not realize that a group of sexy men having no need for a freak is basically like saying nobody different allowed in this club? I mean, do these people simply toss kids born with down syndrome in the trash? Probably back then, but in today’s world there is a reason only a-holes like this movie.
7. Facing Off Against the Katayanagi Twins (“Scott Pilgrim vs. The World”):
Why? Why do intelligent people think “Scott Pilgrim vs. The World” is good? Name one element that is not dumb as hell. I’ll wait… “Scott Pilgrim” is yet another hipster staple from director Edgar Wright. So many stupid things happen including Chris Evans as the Skateboard King and Brandon Routh as an officer of the Vegan Police. Then there’s the ending with Jason Schwartzman and a ridiculous “Dragonball Z” style sword fight. But the worst has got to be this band/dj battle with the Katayanagi Twins. This battle is so stupid seeing it will hurt you deep inside. It’s like watching the worst episode of “Pokemon” ever. The musical showdown features a grunge band facing off against two Asian DJ’s. Their instruments summon two smoke dragons facing off against some type of giant guerrilla, each with the power of music on their side. No, that is not an explanation for a video game. That actually happens in what claims to be a real movie.
6. The T-Rex is a Good Guy? (“Jurassic World”):
Perhaps the most iconic scene in the original “Jurassic Park” was when the giant T-Rex attacked the main characters. It terrified audiences not accustomed to seeing dinosaurs that looked lifelike and was a signature moment in movie history. So how in the hell did the T-Rex become the climactic hero in the “Jurassic World” reboot? With some new dinosaur that the park representative’s “Cooked Up” called the Indomicous Rex running wild there is no way a fully running island crew that has been fully capable of keeping the dinosaurs in check for years could possibly have a plan to keep this new one in its cage. I mean, if Chris Pratt can’t do it, who can. It takes Bryce Dallas Howard wielding a warning flare to release the original beast in order to defeat the new bad boy. Who would have thought a carnivorous giant monster would be the key to saving humanity from another carnivorous giant monster? I did not know this was a “Godzilla” movie from the 1960’s.
5. Dude’s Getting Sexy on the Beach, But Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (“Top Gun”):
“Top Gun” is the most douchey bro movie ever made. Football player’s slapping each other’s asses is the most straight guy thing, pun intended, in the world compared to “Top Gun”. Yet the broey-ist of bro’s love this movie. I’m not sure if “Feeling the Need For Speed” isn’t sub-context for something else. I’m not saying, I’m just saying. The culmination is the slow motion volleyball scene. Look, if you’re a ripped dude playing beach volleyball in the sand, that’s cool. You do you and show off those rock hard abs. But the way it is done in “Top Gun” is beyond a sexy man showcase. It is cocky and, to be honest, literally makes no conceptual sense when it comes to the plot. My bad, “Top Gun” doesn’t actually have a plot worth noting.
4. CGI So Bad Movies From the 1940’s Look More Believable (“The Mummy Returns”):
The reboot of “The Mummy” was a fun popcorn movie. Brendan Fraisier brought a plucky charm and led the horror franchise into the realm of adventure. The first movie was a smash and the anticipation was through the roof for “The Mummy Returns”. Before he became a juggernaut movie star, The Rock was battling to break away from the wrestling scene. You certainly would not know that with his early work in “Returns”. The climatic battle between Fraisier and The Mummy is bad enough, but it was topped in terms of garbage with what happened next that no ceiling of bad is too high. A ridiculously looking CGI The Rock face sporting some monstrosity scorpion body comes storming in on what looks more like a crab than an insect. From there both the good and bad guy battle the evil crustacean with tattoos for some reason. I hate when filmmakers don’t even try, but try to claim they are.
3. Wearing Your Husband’s Face (“The Devil’s Rejects”):
Screw you Rob Zombie. You have made some of the most disgusting movies in history. I’m cool with dark, but I would bet my life savings if you could do it legally you would torture people in real life. While not his worst overall movie, the most disgusting thing the “Filmmaker” has ever made is the scene in which a woman is forced to wear the face of her dead husband as she runs around aimlessly with no pants, bleeding from her vagina because a gun was just shoved up into it. I can take anything violence wise, that is not my issue. There is literally no purpose or message from this other than glorifying absolute disgust. In the word’s of the funny ‘Triumph the Insult Comic Dog’; “F*** YOU F*** YOU GO AWAY F*** YOU GO AWAY!!!!”
2. The Monsters Ain’t Real (“The Village”):
Of all of the tremendous M. Night Shyamalan let down twist endings the worst has got to be “The Village”. The director was hot coming off two smash hits with “The Sixth Sense” and “Signs”. Both of those endings are garbage as well when you look back on them, but I digress. “The Village” had an amazing advertising campaign, promising a period piece monster movie with the great Joaquin Phoenix as its star. Turns out, it wasn’t a monster movie at all. The monsters were all fake in order to keep a modern day village in check from realizing there’s a whole world out there. How does that reality stay intact? A blind girl (Bryce Dallas Howard in her second appearance here) takes to the woods while being chased by the town retard (Adrien Brody in an incredibly offensive performance). The final showdown in the forrest is embarrassing and a great example of ruining what could have been a scary climax. I know twists are your thing Shymalan, but sometimes just make a movie about monsters and town folk. Just a thought.
1. I Live My Life a Quarter Mile at a Time (“The Fast and the Furious”):
The worst line of dialogue in the history of cinema. While not the worst in the franchise overall, “The Fast & The Furious” plugged into testosterone driven males who love to celebrate their penis strength with fast cars and sexy women. Vin Diesel and Paul Walker were the perfect combination for appealing to the meat heads of the world. Nothing wrong with that. Wasn’t the first and won’t be the last to do so. But this line and this scene is so stupid that even knuckleheads would be hard pressed to claim this was good without others rolling their eyes. Hey, what do I know. The franchise has made several billion dollars so I suppose they win, even if it’s just “A Quarter Mile at a Time”.