So many ways in which a movie can be absolutely terrible. It can offend, disgust, or just plain lower ones I.Q. for a couple of hours. Movies are my passion, but sometimes idiots can do such injustice to my favorite art form that it’s too bad imprisonment for making crap is not a law. There are plenty of cheaply made and clunky pictures that are horrible ala the SyFy channel. There are also those movies you just turn off after ten minutes. The worst are the ones that leave such a disgusting taste in your mouth that your brain is permanently scarred. These are my Top 10 Worst Movies of All-Time. No particular genre, this is the greatest collection of cinema that made me want to punch myself to death so that I would not have to endure another second.
10. “Runaway Bride” (1999):
Where to begin with this one. This will be a series of questions and if anybody has a legitimate answer I am all ears. How does a woman played by Julia Roberts repeatedly walk down the aisle before taking off in “Runaway Bride”? Why does this character continue to get engaged then leave a man at the alter? Why does a hottie with a laundry list of burned potential significant others continue to get another shot? I mean is this woman the ultimate blow job queen? And finally, how does the reporter assigned to do a fluff piece about a crazy bitch fall in love with her ‘care free’ attitude of leaving guys at the alter? “Runaway Bride” is about an absolutely disgusting human being with a plucky smile played by a movie star that is also a total P.O.S. in real life. If you can answer just one of the previous questions in this review intelligently, I’m open.
9. “Suicide Squad” (2016):
To quote my friend and fellow film lover Scott Riddle, “When the Hell Did the Joker Get Gold Teeth?!” Admittedly a box office hit, “Suicide Squad” is the perfect example of talented people making garbage so awful it does not change things because it is so all over the place. Imagine going to a mall and the latest store was created through an orgy between ‘Hot Topic’ and ‘Spencers’ and was at the center of the entire experience. My knock on just how bad Jared Leto was as the iconic villain the Joker, and man is it bad, covers only 15 minutes of this movie because the character is barely in it. I would ask what the hell superstar Will Smith is doing in this fiasco, but he did do “Wild, Wild, West” along with the “Men In Black” sequels so his level of good scripts apparently starts at negative 2. The DCU franchise is f-ing up compared to the MCU. That’s a hell of a bar to lower to. The only thing good to come out of “Suicide Squad” was hot-ass-hell chicks wearing short-shorts and leggings on halloween based on Margot Robbie’s performance as Harley Quinn. Let’s hear it for chicks still unafraid to back that azz up! Yeah, this movie is at that level of intelligence.
8. “Kazaam” (1996):
I am so glad all-timers like LeBron or Kobe Bryant didn’t go too far into the entertainment field while playing. Even the GOAT Michael Jeffrey Jordan stuck to just “Space Jam”, a children’s classic. Once Shaq became ‘SHAQ DIESEL’ the entertainment endeavors became astronomical. His play on the court did not falter as he is a solid top 10 all-timer. But man do you have to do everything? A rap career (not his skill set), a series of restaurants (he can do that), and a branding global business that gave millions to low income kids (good on you). But I’m sorry, Shaq is so bad in movies that the term “Couldn’t Act His Way Out Of a Paper Bag” doesn’t even touch the tip of the iceberg. He made plenty of stinkers during the offseason, but hands down the worst was his attempt as an inspiring genie in “Kazaam”. Going into details of this plot would be a much bigger waste of time than reading an online blogger’s Top 10 List. Trust me, the gap is wayyyyyyyyy bigger than you’re thinking. I completely despise President Trump’s comments of ‘Shut Up and Dribble’ towards LeBron James. But in this instance, maybe Shaq might want to do that. And learn how to shoot a damn free throw while you’re at it!
7. “The Animal” (2001):
Not only is Rob Schneider a completely talentless actor, he is also an awful person in real life. I know from first hand experience. His movies are absolutely bottom of the barrel. I’ll never forget when Roger Ebert schooled his ass in the Chicago Sun Times after calling “Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigalo” garbage and he got butt hurt. Come to think, I do not believe he’s ever made a movie that did not SUCK! His worst by far, which is not saying much, was “The Animal”. The sniveling little weasel gets into a car accident and is found by a mad scientist that injects multiple different types of animal DNA to save the mans life. I’m just going to stop there as I’m pretty you get how down hill this story is going.
6. “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” (2002):
Eddie Murphy is an all-time great. No question. He has also made some all-time pieces of garbage. When “Norbit” isn’t even your biggest mistake, then yeah, you done f-ed up. “The Adventures of Pluto Nash” is one of the classic Hollywood failures in history. Made for more than 100 million dollars (a lot of money at the time), “Pluto Nash” was an absolute comedy disaster. Eddie Murphy was still making hits in 2002 as he had not yet gone into full on egotistical a-hole mode publicly yet. Then along comes “Pluto Nash”, a movie so forgotten that when you type in “The Adventures” on iMDB it’s not even in the top 10 searching links. It’s below “The Adventures of Shark Boy & Lava Girl” which stars the wolf boy from “Twilight” Taylor Laughtner. Feel free to take a look. There have been plenty of box office disasters. Dollar for dollar this might be my all time least favorite. But hey, it didn’t offend me in the soul. And that is the only good thing I have to say about this movie.
5. “300” (2006):
Another movie that, if you ask a person what they’re favorite movie is and they respond with this, politely tip your glass and walk away. “300” is the live action embodiment of those ‘Chad’s’ at the gym that are constantly checking out how ripped they are. Did you know, the movie was only 25 minutes long and director Zack Snyder told the editing staff to put everything in slow motion so that the movie could fill the standard 2 hours? No, that is not a fact, but it sure as hell feels like that. In all my years of movie watching I have never seen such a large collection of lubed up dudes running at a quarter speed armed with just helmets and speedos. And don’t even get me started with Rodrigo Santoro as the worlds greatest S&M ruler Xerxes. I’m all for graphic novel movies. When a guy says he loves “300” over dinner, ask for the check and get the hell out of there. I have zero desire to find out that “THIS IS SPARTA!” ever again in life.
4. “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” (2011):
Once again, I despise director Michael Bay and my hatred for that A-Hole is deep. This entire list could be filled with strictly Michael Bay crap-fest’s. His garbage opus has got to be the third installment in the big-budget series, “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”. While yes the series is based on children’s toys, Bay took what was originally a cartoon and turned it into an obnoxious excuse to blow things up with no actual cognitive sense of spacial awareness in regards to what is taking place on screen. Plus Shia LeBouf is the star, and I don’t think I have to go into how much of a pretentious d-bag that guy has shown he is. Why is this one the worst in the series? So many reasons. But to be honest, the entire last hour Bay just says to hell with the plot and showcases perhaps the clunkiest action scene of all time. There is one portion where army soldiers jump from a plane to a building to the ground area of the action. I mean, how many parachutes do elite military soldiers grab when they leave the house? This is a complete disaster from beginning to end. Side Note; look up how Michael Bay casted the female lead to replace Megan Fox. If you don’t know how much of a scumbag this guy is then I don’t know what to tell you.
3. “The Happening” (2008):
It’s hard to know where to start without going on a rant when it comes to “The Happening”. I shall keep it simple by just explaining what actually happens in this movie (Pun Intended). The Earth is fighting back against humanity because we are destroying it. Not against the concept. But how is earth protecting itself you might ask. Apparently the trees are using the power of wind to somehow distribute an air-borne virus that forces everyone in contact to feel the inherent need of committing suicide. I would say there is no explanation as director M. Night Shymalan does repeatedly, but what’s the point in explaining something so terrible all copies should be in the trash. A dude walking into a lions pit. Another guy laying down in front of a lawnmower. Mark Wahlberg actually looking like a dad looking for his car at an amusement park the entire time. People literally running from wind. I know Shymalan makes crap, but who in the world got this script and asked “where do I sign”?
2. “House of 1,000 Corpses” (2003):
During my previous experience working in the film industry I constantly call out when a movie SUCKS! Not the most popular as most just want to hear how great their movie is, but I call ’em like I see ’em. Many co-workers throughout my past travels have told me that director Rob Zombie is actually a really nice guy in person. Cool. I’m sure there are nice guys that direct porn movies as well. In reality, Rob Zombie continually makes some of the most disgusting forms of torture porn the world has ever scene. Violence does not bother me, but this guy makes movies that feel like his only way to get off is to mutilate people. His worst was “House of 1,000 Corpses”. A group of teenagers get stranded on the road during a storm and stumble upon a family that likes killing in ways that would make cartel members look like substitute teachers. Even if you’re into the whole torture thing, this movie is just poorly made. Going over the various awful elements such as acting, editing, or simply whatever is on the screen would be a 10 page long thesis. You may be into death metal or violent horror. No problem. If you meet somebody who likes this movie, walk away as quickly as possible.
1. “The Sound of Music” (1965):
I do not care if you were born in the 1960’s and your parents had you watch this “Classic” about the Von Trapp family over and over. I’m all for a good musical, but who the hell makes a charming family friendly romp about the Nazi occupation? I have never understood why “The Sound of Music” is considered good, let alone a classic. The second Julie Andrews belts out ‘The Hills are Alive With the Sound of Music’ are like nails on a chalkboard, and I knew that way back when we still used chalkboards. The songs featuring a family of rich kids are all terrible, particularly that jam when Andrews gets the kids to perform a song to their father (Christopher Plummer) that makes him realize this poor woman is the key to be a family again. I am not making this part up; a song performed by a cheery blonde haired, blue-eyed family (Hitler’s blueprint) use the power of choir songs to escape an oppressive regime and live happily ever after in the Swiss Alps. What? Whoever created “The Sound of Music”, and yes I know it is based on previous material, thinks that the best way to portray the Holocaust as a “Mama Mia!” style Friday night family affair. Really? I have zero ties to the Holocaust, but how the hell am I one of the only people to realize how utterly disgusting at its heart this movie is, and it won Oscars? Also, how did I see this blatantly clear fact when I was forced to watch this at just six-years-old?