Not growing up in the era when movies cost a quarter, the cinema experience has become increasingly expensive. Families of four or more can easily drop $100 bucks on a Saturday night with tickets and concessions. For me, still worth it to look up at the silver screen. Unfortunately there are some movies that are so incredibly bad that the money doesn’t matter. It is similar to a baseball game that is tied 0-0 heading into the bottom of the tenth. These are my Top 10 Movies To Walk-Out On ever.
10. “Hostel” (2005):
I chose not to show one of the more gruesome images because we should all forget them. I can take extreme violence and enjoy several movies with much more blood and gore. The problem with the joke of a director Eli Roth’s gore fest is that it has absolutely nothing to say or purpose. The visiting young kids being captured is typical teenager slasher stuff, sure. Then “Hostel” becomes a blood bath of torture as rich people cut apart kids on a trip to Europe. I almost made it through because I don’t have a weak stomach, but I had to throw up my hands when the “Hero” chopped the guys dick off in very graphic fashion. Torture porn rose with the “Saw” movies. “Hostel” took it to a whole new level that isn’t enjoyable in any way.
9. “Speed 2: Cruise Control” (1997):
Yes, Keanu Reeves has played some of the most iconic characters in history. But before “The Matrix” and since he has also made a lot of movies that suck too. Still in the infancy of his action career, the original “Speed” was a surprise hit. When a sequel was written, producers expected Reeves back. After reading the ridiculously bad script, Keanu walked away. Excellent choice as “Speed 2: Cruise Control” is notoriously one of the worst action movies, I’m sorry, I meant just plain movies, of all-time. Replacement Jason Patric is a solid character actor, but he is not a big action star like Reeves. After Willem DaFoe (Why did he do this?) goes crazy as the bad guy taking over the boat, walk out.
8. “Super Mario Bros.” (1993):
The old mantra that no good video game movie has ever been just like no great video game based on a movie has never been good. Two different forms of entertainment. The pinnacle of change the channel in the genre has to be a movie based on the most recognizable video game franchise ever. “Super Mario Bros.” was the first big-budget attempt, and boy do I wish it was the last. There is not a lack of talent. Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper are legends as Mario and Bowser. A young John Lequizamo was coming into his own. But the scrolling Nintendo game translated in no way when it comes to scripted entertainment. Stick around to see how ridiculous Dennis Hopper and his group of flunky stupid looking dinosaurs show up for a laugh. After that, whether you are a kid or an adult, get the hell out of dodge.
7. “The Blair With Project” (1999):
In the infancy of the internet age and before social media, one movie took the world by storm in “The Blair Witch Project”. Made for a mere 40 thousand dollars, the handheld cam horror movie went on to make hundreds of millions at the box office. The key was an advertising campaign claiming that “Blair Witch” was real found-footage. While teenagers were in awe, multiple people with motion sickness had to walk out because of the chaotic shooting style with several using popcorn boxes to hurl. I wish that I had motion sickness because this is just an awful movie.
6. “Ready Player One” (2018):
I understand the appeal of Steven Spielberg’s “Ready Player One”. It is basically if Comic-Con was a movie. But I’m sorry nerds, “Ready Player One” is one of the most repetitive experiences at the theater. Every big celebrity appears on shows such as “The Simpsons” or “Saturday Night Live”. Those programs have been on for decades. “Ready Player One” shoves every pop-culture reference possible in a two-plus hour video game with no discernible purpose. Gamers will claim the movie is revolutionary and comments on where society is going. No it isn’t. This is “Tron” 2.0. Exact same concept. Technology will get better of course, but there are those that game and those that do not. There is only so much fake looking CGI I can take before I have to walk out. Don’t tell me, the main character played by Tye Sheridan won yes? Just a guess.
5. “300” (2007):
As a teenager, my friends and I were not aware yet of how bad of a director Zack Snyder was yet. The success of the graphic novel movie from Frank Miller in “Sin City” had us pumped for the next big feet in “300”.The movie was so bad we walked out and popped into a screening of “Ghost Rider” (Yes, with Nicolas Cage) just to pass the time. “300” is a movie around 20 minutes long if you watch it in realtime in which the filmmakers highlighted all of the footage in editing and hit the slow-motion button. If you could epitomize a movie about the meat heads at the gym who always have to check out their muscles in the mirror after each set, it would be “300”.
4. “The Happening” (2008):
No self-respecting true film lover can claim that they weren’t at minimum tempted to walk out of the theater during a M. Night Shyamalan movie. For me, the apex of his crap was no doubt seeing “The Happening” on the big screen. Our crew was ready for a Shaymalan bounce-back thriller. Instead, we got a comedy that does not know it is a comedy. The trees become angry and, based on wind patterns, send out some type of infectious airborne disease that causes people to want to kill themselves. Yeah, this is a horror movie with the main characters literally running away from the wind. Zooey Deschanel is an actress who always looks lost, her skill for the right role. But Shyamalan couldn’t even harness his star Mark Wahlberg’s skill in playing a d-bag. He looks almost as lost as this idea for a movie is. Stay for the guy laying down as a lawnmower runs over him and a tiger ripping off a totally obvious prosthetic arm of a Zookeeper. Comedy gold. Then get out of there before the wind picks up.
3. “The Devil’s Rejects” (2005):
Throughout the years working and being associated with the film business, I have heard nothing but good things about Rob Zombie being such a nice guy. I’m sorry, his movies are so f-ed up that I don’t buy it. The worst was “The Devil’s Rejects”. Another one that is violent, which I can do if there is a reason, but with absolutely zero purpose. The triplet bad guys from the previous installment “House of 1,000 Corpses” (Another total piece of non-sensical garbage), are on the run and terrorize families while being chased by the cops. What had me walk out was when the gang took a group hostage in a hotel room and the leader shoved a gun up the mother’s vagina and made her lick the blood off of the pistol. Shortly after they made her run for her life wearing her dead husband’s face with blood dripping down her legs whilst she became target practice. And… I’m done. I have no clue why this has become a cult classic. I do have two or three friends I trust throughout the years that like this movie. Do not know why. But the bulk of fans are twisted S.O.B.’s if you ask me.
2. “Australia” (2008):
This pun is meant to be taken 100 percent seriously; what an EPIC failure “Australia” was. Director Baz Luhrman (So overrated at first) was coming off the success of the musical on steroids that every woman loved in “Moulin Rouge”. His follow-up was envisioned to be the next “Lawrence of Arabia”. With the director and stars Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman all being from the titular country, how could you not win an Oscar. Easy, make a sucky movie with two stars that do not share chemistry and the most boring first two hours of a movie ever. Yes, first two hours. I remember this well as “Australia” was panned by critics so my friend and fellow film nerd Scott waited until the dollar theater to check it out. He wanted to leave after an hour it was so bad. I insisted on staying until we at least got to check out the war footage. Another hour later, not even the one-dollar price tag could keep us in the theater. Never saw the war stuff. Also never cared.
1. The “Transformers” Franchise – Take Your Pick (2007-2017):
As a kid, the cartoon “Transformers” show was fun. Then the worst director of all time Michael Bay got his hands on the toy franchise and created movie making so bad that it is hard to fathom how much money he was given. Personally, I have seen all five. To my dismay, I only walked out on two; “The Dark of the Moon” and “The Last Knight”. If there was a time-machine at the top of my list it would be getting my money back on this garbage franchise. I would rather throw an iPad in front of my child than put them through this idiotic filmmaking. During the big climactic fight scenes it is hard to understand structurally what the hell is happening on the screen. It is just robots, who knows which side, blowing up buildings. But what makes the franchise so, so-so-so-so-so bad, is the complete absence of just a sliver of basic intelligent thought. From a sexy “Terminator”- style robot to a human holding the key to the Transformers home world to Optimus Prime just chilling in a movie theater in which the owner did not notice the truck, these movies are beyond the bottom of the barrel. Tack on the sleazy practices Bay used with actors and crew (Look up how he replaced Megan Fox and what he made her replacement do. Totally disgusting), and you have a recipe for the worst series in movie history.