Dir; J.J. Abrams. Starring; Daisy Ridley, Adam Driver, John Boyega. PG-13. Color. 142 minutes.
Spoilers ahead.
Can we simply give the crown of Comic-Con to J.J. Abrams? I have not seen a fan service movie like this since the shot-for-shot remake of “Psycho” back in 1998. Don’t remember that Vince Vaughn starring thrill ride? Well you’re lucky. “The Rise of Skywalker” is so chalked full of references and ‘Yeah, this is Star Wars’ stuff that it is almost impossible to stumble upon a coherent plot. Take out Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) and Rey (Daisy Ridley), who act their asses off, and you’ve got a cash cow film that is literally using the force to float on hundreds of millions of dollars in revenue. There is no well crafted pacing, intuition, or subtitles that made the original franchise so great. Picture the famous “YOU GET A CAR!” moment from Oprah going on for two-and-a-half hours. That is “The Rise of Skywalker” in a nutshell.
After killing the supreme leader Emperor Snoke in “The Last Jedi”, Kylo Ren is now in charge of the first order. But he is hunting for something, the original Sith planet of origin. I mean if you’re in a room full of evil people you all had to come from the same place correct? Hollywood? The National Football League? Catholic Priests? Too soon?
So Kylo Ren finally finds the planet of Exchol with the powerful use of a triangular object, where Palpatine has been crafting a fleet of Star Destroyer space ships, as one does, after dying in a giant space explosion 40 years ago. The new Palpatine fleet, which comes out of the frozen tundra for some reason, is equipped with weapons created by the first order which can destroy a planet individually. So basically picture a Death Star underneath a giant airplane.
I’m sorry, I know it’s supposed to be fun. But when did the “Avengers” movies become more plausible than “Star Wars”?
Meanwhile, the resistance is all but toast. The better ACTOR in reality but shittier version of Han Solo in Poe Dammeron (Oscar Isaac) goes on a hunt for some type of knife artifact with Finn (John Boyega) that will help lead Rey to the secret outlying planet where the Sith originated. I understand this is fantasy but, ummm, ok. You guys can destroy planets but a dagger is the key to your ultimate defeat?
A final showdown at Exchol takes place between the resistance as they storm in riding, wait, weird looking horses on space ships? Yeah, that happens. Classic Star Wars vehicles such as X-Wings and Millennium Falcons show up to combat the deadly star destroyers while Rey has to battle within herself whether or not to turn to the dark side facing off against Kylo and the emperor. Wait a second, is this “Return of the Jedi” part deux? Just like how “The Force Awakens” was a replica of the original Star Wars. I’m not saying the filmmakers lack originality, but I’m just saying…
You will have moments watching “Rise of Skywalker” in which you will go completely insane with your geekdom. Chewie is still the man. BB-8 has in a way become my new homeboy. Respect to that little soccer ball. The Millennium Falcon chase early on is classic Star Wars and ridiculously good. New characters such as Babu Frick (Shirley Henderson) are a ton of fun. Watching Rey and Kylo throw down both physically and emotionally is top notch. Unfortunately you are sifting through two-and-a-half hours of garbage for 15 minutes of good stuff.
Let us be honest. “Star Wars” is awesome at its core. No denying the global phenomenon. That is 100 percent the problem with “Rise of Skywalker”. It has to prove to you that this is the end of Star Wars, even though we all know it isn’t, with an homage that is not necessary. We get it, just make a good movie please! Yes a singular movie. But I suppose we should go back and rewatch The Mandalorian because ‘Baby Yoda” is my boy!
I implore you J.J. Abrams, who probably won’t read this, stop coming up with great ideas then totally fucking them up! You ruined “Felicity”, eh bad mistake, who cares. You ruined “Lost”. Yes, the worst TV show ending ever. You ruined “Star Trek” on multiple levels, mainly involving your non-sensical lens flairs. The next person that compares you to this generations Stephen Spielberg I am going to punch them in the face. You have both made the same amount of awful material, but J.J., you got a classic from top to bottom in your Bad Robot closet? I mean ya got one like an “E.T.”? Oh that’s right, you tried to rip off “E.T.” with your film “Super 8” which, once again, started off great then ended horribly.
I digress, I’m sure J.J. Abrams is a fine man to make a movie with (he’s not, Google it). The unfortunate part is “Rise of Skywalker” does not limp to the finish line the way the previous two trilogies did. It basically says, French/Italian accent, “FUCK YOU! PAY ME AND BUY MY TOYS YOU GARBAGE!” Don’t give me the ‘we gave Poe and Finn more screen time’ argument. I’m sure their agents negotiated that, But guess what, they still suck in this movie. Other than when its Rey and Kylo together I truly never cared. I said it from the first film and I will say it at the end because it is true. The original trilogy is all time great. The prequel trilogy is all time bad. The final trilogy is all time mediocre.
Suck Factor: 5out of 7 (7 means your movie really SUCKS!)
Written by Byrd
The SUCK FACTOR, how it works. We have flipped the rating system upside down. If a film is classic, it gets a 0. Meaning that movie has 0 SUCKS. If a film is complete trash you must avoid at all costs, it gets a 7, meaning this movie really SUCKS!
Greg Squared Films 